"look back & learn"

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I wanted to change my blogskin but oh well I'm too lazy to (although SPM can be said to be over but I'm still lazy), the fact that there's still a subject to go doesn't trigger my muscle cells to hold a book. My afferent neurons haven't been doing its job too well to carry nerve impulses from my receptor to my brain, and my efferent neurons are definitely not triggered therefore my muscles are not doing anything interesting, or productive.

Oh well, over, everything's over (except Chinese, which I do care and want to but I haven't- I hope I will do something about it soon), high school life is over. Okay this is getting emotional but I'm still gonna say, I haven't missed my school that much yet but I'm sure I will. People were already posting pictures of the school compound with all the emotional captions on Instagram. LOL. I don't have so much good memories (not that I can think of) except I've to admit that I've met great friends, dedicated teachers and even God at one point of my life. All I wanna say is that I'm really thankful to have met God and all the awesome friends, you know who you are!

I've gotta admit too, that I've learned so much from everyone.

Let's talk about my SPM. (although it's over but I seriously need to write down all these) - to ensure that when I get my results I will still be thankful to God because I really feel very grateful that God has brought me through this whole month.

So 6/11, it was BM paper.
I had the best moment although I only wrote 6 paragraphs for the 2nd part of my essay.. SINCE I ACTUALLY MANAGED TO FINISH WRITING :') #thankGod

7/11, English.
I'm really hoping for the best since my grammar is really poor, and prolly no chance for an A+, don't even think I will get an A for 1119. but still #thankGod that I managed to get it done.

13/11, Sejarah.
I went to church to study on the 12th! It was great hahaha! I managed to finish 3 chapters there and went around and had a walk! but still didn't manage to finish the last 4 chapters of Form 5 sejarah, and still don't know what's going on even until now. I think I had 12 mistakes for the first paper, oh well. I'm never good in History so if I get B for it I'm also okay (but of course still hoping for an A!) #thankGod anyway!

14/11, Sejarah 3.
I think I screwed it up ahhahah! I didn't have 30 points for the 30 marks oneeeee ): I STILL DON'T KNOW WHY THEY WANT US TO WRITE MALAYSIA'S CONTRIBUTIONS WHEN REALLY THERE WERE ONLY A FEW! #thankGod though, I got through.

And then the supper gang + YouJin + Yew Han - Siew Yoong had lunch at Kayu!

Had nap and received a bad news that Natasha got into an accident.

18/11, Mathematics!
40/40 for paper 1 babeh! First time in my life but I think I screwed up paper 2 a bit! HAHAHA. oops. #thankGod! but it's my only hope for an A+ there )': OH WELL.

received news that Natasha passed away.

20/11, Moral.
-________________- I was really angry on that day because the government tried to be creative and changed format. If I don't get an A for moral I have no comment. I just crapped them all out. & was stressful that night because I was really afraid to disappoint Terry! but #thankGod I had sufficient sleep to get through the next day!

Natasha's burial service.

21/11, Additional Maths!
I GOT THROUGHHHHHH :') now just hoping for the best! My another chance for an A+ if no A+ on results day I cry! )': but #thankGod nyeheheheh!

25/11, Physics.
Not bad I guess, hope there's still an A there! 5 wrongs for paper 1 I'm oh so happy! #thankGod

26/11, Chemistry.
SO BAD, SO SO BAD, SO VERY BAD. I didn't know how to do a lot and had no time to finish doing 4 questions, tembak 4 semua wrong -_- ! I was hoping to get less than 20 wrongs! but I got 14 wrongs in the end. So sad! :'( prolly no A le.. maybe a B since I screwed up paper 2. I have so much to talk about this paper! Paper 2 was so horrible! I couldn't finish the last essay question and started to panic on the last ten minutes and nearly peed in my pants I'm not even kidding! I WAS SO SCARED AND I WANTED TO GO TO THE TOILET AND I KNEW I COULDN'T. SOME MORE I WAS SHAKING LIKE THERE WAS AN EARTHQUAKE. I was so so so sad and scared. K I did tear a bit after that paper but #thankGod for YewHan for cheering me up! (:

27/11, Biology.
hahahah quite doomed for paper 1 but cannot check answers since it's in the hall I FORGOT TO GET IT! ): Paper 2 was horrible I didn't even know how to answer a single question confidently. Had tips for paper 3 and felt really bad because Pastor Chris just said "it's not about having an easier way to pass, or a harder way, but the RIGHT way to pass" -- He said he was telling his son not to bribe even though it might be easier to pass the driving test, but it's applicable. I think I greatly disappointed God.


I'm seriously okay with people having the exact paper, and I hope I will remember this: that even if my results turn out to be very bad, I did my part and trusted and committed them all to God all the way ( except I really didn't for Chemistry and Bio paper 3) - I chose studying and listening to tips over trusting in God. I guess I deserve a punishment if I didn't feel bad. God would prolly ask my next time when He sees me. Oh, what would I answer? I will just tremble. :/ ..Punishment too for not able to get an A.

Oh well, I've done my best and am hoping for the best I can get.

Still got Chinese though! I need to go and memorise MINGJU LIAO (haven't started) but before I end this I just wanna confess that I am greatly disappointed by the world.

I won't mention names here.

"When you go out to the society next time people will just climb to the peak without having to work hard. This is the society. The 'lower' ones will do all the job. There's no point for you to work hard since your hard work won't be paid off." -- without feeling bad & follows the ways of the world because it's a norm to do so. + driving without a license and bribed the police.

I hope I won't do so in the future when I drive next time, but will wear a cross necklace and tell the police straight in his face and show him the cross that I'm a child of God and won't do such a thing to let him earn frigging extra coffee money. (Like how in one of the testimonies shared by Pastor Daniel!)

But at the end of the day, this is the world. I'm sure God is disappointed.
Though so, judgement will come one day, when Christ also will come like a thief, no one knows when, but the day will surely come.

I guess I should be praying for this person. 'cause God will surely forgive when one repents.

#thankGod

Labels: Testimony

I don't know why I didn't cry as much as I expected to. I'm not sure if this is normal. Maybe it's the assurance that she's with the Lord now, Or I don't know. I only teared to the first condolence I received. And I wasn't so sure what to reply except to genuinely feel thankful to all of you who have been praying for my cousin sister.

Or maybe it's the fact that I don't even have tears anymore?

I don't know if it's the peace the Spirit gave me or.. It's really just my own problem.

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I prayed to have the courage to go out to get prayed for Natasha..

It was hard in the beginning.. I knew how sad I was deep inside but I was still trying to watch YouTube videos to cheer myself up. No, I'm not depressed. Don't worry. It's just that I wasn't so happy but I had to put on a smile to usher people in. I felt really glad to see Mei Yi (one of my CG members who is also an usher..).. And I thought I had no one to count on.

I'm so grateful to have my CG members despite feeling so tired to fit in. I didn't want to ask to save them seats today so I decided to not look for them. But God still brought Mei Yi to ask me where I was sitting anyway..

Then we (the young ones!! ROAR) were giving out bulletins to the churchies! I had to pretend to smile for a while in the beginning. Wasn't a good start but still got through. I'm also thankful that William (the KRS guy! - forgot his surname oh no!), he asked me how was SPM oh maiiii!! How does he know my age @.@ I was really shocked, honestly. Oh, before that happened, Le On the tall guy was standing beside.. Therefore we formed a Taman SEA line hahaha!! I didn't realise until Li Yen (Chong) mentioned. :p I felt so love because they are such friendly people and I genuinely started to feel happy. Though Mei Yi kept mentioning how I should wear high heels when I stand beside those two tall guys especially when they are 30cm taller and I look really petite in between.. !!

To be able to sit with my CG members.. I felt happy too, I mean this time I really didn't have to try to fit it since Cheryl Tham and Jenna are two of whom I can be who I am with. As for Lu Zhong, I'm starting to feel ok plus I knew he's sad last night so I asked him about it and I guess he felt a little bit touched. Heh.

Then it was near the end of celebration where pastor Daniel started to 'invite' people out for prayers. One of the ushers prayed for me, I think I talked to her before and she's the one with stomach problem because of too much of Caffeine. She asked me about my problem and I broke down.

It was kinda a long prayer.. I cried and cried, she touched where my heart is placed and my shoulder, I felt safe.

As she began to speak in tongues, I felt a hand touching my forehead. A really really huge hand, like a daddy's hand. I'm not sure if it was Holy Spirit, or someone else. When it was near the end of prayer, the hand let go.. I was crying so much more when the hand touched me. Whether or not it was a human hand or Holy Spirit's, I thank God for that hand. It's been an hour and I still feel it on my forehead. It's as if it has never left me..

The usher then told me to trust God after the prayer. She asked me if I'm in a CG and I said yes. She also asked if I told my CG about Natasha but I said no. It's really weird since Pastor Daniel was talking about how CG members can support you when you are in need of people, how they are good companies.. She encouraged me to tell my CG members so I'm gonna do so.

Thank God for today. Thank God for ushers. Thank God for Pastors.

*****

17/11 - 确认了, Aunt Sally(the one who prayed for me) said it must have been Holy Spirit.

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Labels: prayer, Testimony

唯一能做的就只是禁食祈祷, 却又睡着了.. 不要求多, 只希望上帝能 do what's best for her(and He definitely will!) 虽然自己上网查到 brain dead means dead, 我还是想相信奇迹会发生, 虽然上帝说要问, 但也必须是according to His will. 所以要知道是according to His will, 就要有 Holy Spirit to guide me.

Heart rate dropped from 70 to 30 today.. The slightest the chance, the more I believe there'll a miracle!

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John 11:21-44

New International Version (NIV)

21 “Lord,” Martha said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died. 22 But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.”

23 Jesus said to her, “Your brother will rise again.”

24 Martha answered, “I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day.”

25 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; 26 and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”

27 “Yes, Lord,” she replied, “I believe that you are the Messiah, the Son of God, who is to come into the world.”

28 After she had said this, she went back and called her sister Mary aside. “The Teacher is here,” she said, “and is asking for you.” 29 When Mary heard this, she got up quickly and went to him. 30 Now Jesus had not yet entered the village, but was still at the place where Martha had met him. 31 When the Jews who had been with Mary in the house, comforting her, noticed how quickly she got up and went out, they followed her, supposing she was going to the tomb to mourn there.

32 When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

33 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 34 “Where have you laid him?” he asked.

“Come and see, Lord,” they replied.

35 Jesus wept.

36 Then the Jews said, “See how he loved him!”

37 But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?”

Jesus Raises Lazarus From the Dead

38 Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. It was a cave with a stone laid across the entrance. 39 “Take away the stone,” he said.

“But, Lord,” said Martha, the sister of the dead man, “by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days.”

40 Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?”

41 So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. 42 I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me.”

43 When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” 44 The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face.

Jesus said to them, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.”

*************
Martha and Mary believed, but they didn't just believe that God would do the work, but they believed that Jesus was the resurrection and the life. He's the way, the truth and the life.

That was what I read yesterday, whether or not it was God who brought me to that passage, there's even more to go today.

You see, it's very weird how things happened, because the day before yesterday I was reading my own blog posts. I went to the search column and randomly did some searching of words. I was reminded how my first ever dream was to be a neurologist. HERE. Because of what happened to my uncle.

But I put that aside because being a neurologist takes patience. Especially when you need to operate the brain, if things go wrong it would be so bad. So I started to think about going to other fields but I still wasn't sure what God wanted me to do..

If things are happening this way, does it mean God wants me to pursue this tough course?
The bible said that we should test the will of God.. I'm really still not sure what God is trying to tell me since what happened to Natasha is also because of her brain, and what's odd is that her body is completely okay.  I mean that's just rare to be happening in an accident, or is it?

Lord, my soul cries out, is that Your will for me?

Then I stumbled onto this passage today..

Philippians 1:19-30 

New International Version (NIV) 

19 for I know that through your prayers and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance.[a] 20 I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. 21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22 If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! 23 I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; 24 but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. 25 Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, 26 so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me.

 Life Worthy of the Gospel 

 27 Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in the one Spirit,[b] striving together as one for the faith of the gospel 28 without being frightened in any way by those who oppose you. This is a sign to them that they will be destroyed, but that you will be saved—and that by God. 29 For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him, 30 since you are going through the same struggle you saw I had, and now hear that I still have.

***
What are You trying to tell me, Lord?

Her condition is even worse than my uncle. Brain's dead and depending on a machine to keep her heart beating.

After getting knocked by motorbike her nose and ears were bleeding and even had white foams coming out from her mouth.

Lazarus could come back to life because Mary and Martha believed. She would too, if we believe.

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"Annie kuku say Natasha in very critical condition. Dr say her blood pressure very low. Not good news."

When this was told, I didn't know what else to feel but sad. Never have I thought my 20 year old cousin sister would get into an accident. Although we've never really spent much time together as cousins, and she's so quiet and shy that I admit it's a little bit hard for people to get close to her, and even talk to her.. I even nearly said something that would hurt her so much when I was young but thank God I didn't.

I do remember the times all the relatives would gather on Christmas day in her house, which was still in Cheras until her dad left the family. Cousins would get together to unwrap Christmas presents, we were so innocent back then. But she was still the quiet one at the corner.

Every Chinese New Year ever since thy moved to Penang I would go to her house and talk to her about random things and have our usual awkward conversations. She was always in her room, either studying or reading. She's that smart girl that we all always strive to be. She made her family proud despite the fact that she's adopted.

I would see her when dinner was served. Sometimes she would quietly have her meal and no one would notice she's there.

I hope she's alright although doctor said there's no hope. I hope you who are reading would spend a little time to pray for her. Hope is found in Jesus alone. I hope her pain will be lessen and things will happen according to God's will. Whether God will take her back to Him or not, I hope she stays. I know my God saves because what wouldn't He do when He did not even spare His Son but allowed Jesus to die for us? He would give us all things. God said, "Ask and you'll receive, knock and the door will be opened." though that applies to wisdom, I pray that I will have wisdom to pray for her.

God saved Lazarus and said if we believe in Him, He'll perform miracles. In Jesus name I pray and trust, Amen.

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Labels: prayer

Let's just start with a heartfelt testimony from a youth pastor.


I was supposed to be studying but got distracted by Youtube videos. Today is such an unproductive day. So finally 2 days down; 9 more to go! *shows an optimistic smile* Oh well, I really hope for the best and I've done and given my all so if results turn out to be bad, I will still be really grateful that at least I managed to finish doing them. #mustrmbhowmuchGodhadhelpedme

Well I should really be studying so I will quickly get this done. :P

I wondered a lot when I was eating just now because a drop of sambal just decided to target my left eye. It felt like it was burning and because I'm a person who can hardly wink so I couldn't see. [interesting fact: not everyone can wink so don't take winking as granted!] Well, I could hardly even find my way to the kitchen to wash my eye (ate in the living room because I thought I would start studying but I didn't because the fish I ate had thousands of bones I'm not even kidding). So you may think I'm stupid enough to get sambal to aim for my eye and it had such amazing accuracy. Ugh, then my brother laughed at me when I was screaming for help. He didn't even lead me to the kitchen when he laughed. He only did when my maid came to rescue me. It was really burning I can't even describe how it felt, but thank God it only lasted for a little while! Well uhm, I washed my eye and it became okay.

Then I continued eating my fish. Actually that happened because when I put down my spoon (ungently) one drop of sambal sauce splashed -___- (or skip it if you don't understand).. IT WAS THE FISH. I BLAME IT ALL ON THE FISH. So many bones for what, ugh. Though gotta admit that you are tasty.

It was then I realised that many unfortunate things might have happened to me, but I'm just so grateful for my life.
I wondered what would it be like if I were blind/mute/deaf/mentally retarded.

I've experienced being mute for a few days, blind for a few minutes, and knowing that I was so close to being mentally retarded if I was born a year earlier or so, I truly felt grateful that God granted me a perfect body.

When I had no voice at all, it scared me so much because I wasn't able to talk. I tried to scream but I couldn't. I locked myself in the room, sat alone by the door to the balcony, faced the spacious green field, saw trees swaying in the wind (exaggeration on the view because I can't remember so detailedly), but it was definitely a gloomy day for me. I tried really hard to produce a sound, but if you've no voice, you just have NONE. They said you need to depend on your diaphragm, and so I tried. Nothing came out. Tears were streaming down, I was begging and praying really hard to God that I really wanted my voice back and I then started missing my voice. I wondered if I would ever hear my voice again. My passion for singing was developed since I was young so there's no way that I could accept myself being mute, not even a second. Although you may think it's funny that I was being so emotional but seriously, without the ability to produce your voice, that sucks.

I think this song rescued me because I was listening to it, if my memory serves me correctly.


When I was blinded by sambal just now, my eye was really burning so I didn't think much. But then after it was washed, I thought, what if I were to be blind? I would need a white stick. My world would be BLACK. How worse can it possibly get? I mean seriously, it would be so scary.. This world is too beautiful to be not seen! I may have made it sounded really cliche but that's what I realised.

I wouldn't ask for more.

To know that I would have been mentally retarded if I wasn't born on the day I was born, it left me feeling genuinely & thankful that I should appreciate this life because God has blessed me so much. To realise that I might have needed more attention, I don't know how to feel. There would be two possibilities : 1) my family becomes more broken. 2) my family members bond strongly to take care of me because I need more attention.
I don't know how it would be like but I wouldn't wish for things like that to happen. Although, I think if I stop taking my drugs it would happen.

Ultimately, don't pray that bad things won't happen, but pray for the strength to overcome these 'bad things' God has allowed to happen.


Yeap, that's all for today. (:

Labels: Testimony

Have exhaust tanks ever been exhausted? I don't know about them, I think they mostly just excrete the excretion of cars, but I'm exhausted.

I'm just an ordinary girl and I gotta say that's a valid statement. But just because I'm ordinary, it doesn't mean I have no feelings.

People just come and go, as if I'm just a statue which they can just look at as long as they like, even talk to as long as they want but leaves another second. The difference is, of course, I'm able to respond.

But well y'know what? Things gotta stop its cycle, people should stop leaving. I'm afraid if it happens one more time scant get out, I won't be able to have an open heart to accept all these.

Apparently CG leader(Sarah) is gonna leave and she had said her last goodbye though she said she'll still be coming sometimes, because it's her final year of medicine and she gotta have exam next year in February.
Ashwin on the other hand, is gonna take off 2 months (I think, if my memory doesn't fail me).
I understand how there wouldn't be any leader to lead us by then so Michelle from E6, Adrian Tang's CG will temporarily merge with E4.5 now. If E6 comes in it will be E4.5.6. I hate changes, I really do. I don't even feel comfortable with the members of E4 yet and it's gonna be worse when Michelle leads us. The CG will be so much bigger and I don't even know her!

Everyone is gonna leave, it's not just Sarah.

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I want to rant so badly. I have a neighbour who is so ignorant! How do I even put what I've learned into practice, that is, memupuk semangat kejiranan with them? The worst thing is to know that he's a discipline teacher in BU4.

Okay so here is the story:-
I bet you noticed (if you stalk me on Twitter - not encouraging you to stalk me because if you really do, you'll know that I'm not even on Twitter anymore) that I've been complaining how rats were appearing in my house, be it in the kitchen or outside the compound of my house [halaman rumah]. It annoyed me so much because this only happened when this maid took over. I thought it was her fault, well, I'm not quite a nice person so I blame her about everything bad that's happening (hahaha, I sound so evil, yea, really, I'm not that nice.) BUT SERIOUSLY LAH OH MAI, why on earth that there are more ants when she takes over the job ah? My brother agrees on this matter so it's not just me.

But thank goodness rats aren't appearing in the kitchen anymore or we will all be dead by now because of the diseases rats can bring. RATS ARE THE DIRTIEST, EW. Who even cares that my zodiac is rat. I hate rats but hamsters are a different case, and I'm excluding Zoe's rat. RATS, EW. I'm not even gonna feel sorry for saying it I hope you extinct. ):

anyways back to the story!! The BU4 discipline teacher who's supposed to be all responsible, nice, friendly, evil even, just shouldn't be so ignorant about the cleanliness one supposedly should have! If you've been to my house, and have seen my neighbour's house, his house might look nice with all the green plants he has planted but I tell you honestly that he has never taken care of the plants, PFFT. It's all planted aside and he has never once trimmed them. This has gotten even worse after his renovation of tiles. It might LOOK nicer with those pink tiles he has but really, don't judge a book by its cover because those plants there, although they may look nice (but unorganised, really), I swear you can see rat holes (not singular) in the afternoon. My maid says she's seen different kinds of creatures crawling on the ground. JUST EW, I don't even dare to look.

I've tried to convince my mom not to get so mad over this matter but now I feel my mom so much. I told my mom not to report to the people in charge but now I've changed my mind. I told my mom to just build up fences but the rats are still coming through the gate which is really annoying because the rats have been trying to steal my dogs' food. UGH!! And there will be their poo everyday without fail under my mom's car. If I could kill all the rats in the world I WOULD!! If I could just slap my neighbour in the face I WOULD!!!

The truth is that even after my maid has told him to clean his 'garden' up and EVEN OFFERED TO HELP, he still told my maid he's too busy to do so. How ignorant can he be? Not like we never told them about it, we've tried to hint them but they don't even care plus they build up fences themselves so that the rats won't go into their house instead. -____- What I'm angry about the most is that they had time to put on the net so that the rats won't go into their house but they have no time to clean up the 'garden'. And just decided to use a huge stone to cover one of the rat holes which didn't work because the rats still have other holes.

We will forgive them if this has only happened once BUT NO.

Let's all talk about prawns now?

So I don't know how many years ago we had this open house for my elder brother, or was it for me, I can't remember although my mom has told this story to everyone who comes to visit, and I got annoyed and told my mom not to repeat the story anymore because I swear she has told the story repeatedly for 7000 times, Don't ask me why I chose the figure 7000, because I myself have no idea why.

Okay, so prawns.
The guests we had dropped some prawn shells on the ground unintentionally (outside his house), he got angry and he put the prawn shells outside my house. -_- HOW CHILDISH CAN HE GET? After 20 years he still hasn't had a slight transformation. I would appreciate if he would at least smile at me when I smile at him. I used to want to fix this relationship back because of what I've learned throughout my entire life in school, but now that I think back, I think he has spent a longer time in school than all of us summed up (my brothers and I) have, seriously.

So what now, do I still fix this relationship or not?

I know I should do everything out of love and my little deeds like sharing food might just change his harden heart. Let's see what I will do in the future. Of course, there will still be hope if I just don't give up fixing.

ANYHOO, today's devotion is inspiring! (:

I am exhausted from crying for help; my throat is parched. My eyes are swollen with weeping, waiting for my God to help me. - Psalm 69:3 

"Do you ever feel tired? I mean tired of just trying so hard and yet just moving inches. Maybe you're trying to mend a relationship, advance your career, or just trying to gather yourself emotionally. Despite these valleys in your life, don't give up on hope. This hope is purposefulness of your tribulations that God has planned to produce the most beautiful story about you. Be patient, strong and trust in Him. Do not give up."

Read more at http://web.stagram.com/p/579313671748479336_250936561#OtsVE6Z2oZKw1yTv.99