"look back & learn"

Title: Sabah Day 1

Friday, December 27, 2013 || 7:50 PM

Left to Sabah on the 11th. It was a public holiday but I still troubled Ky's dad to send me (us) to the airport. Jia Yi and Char were carpooling too! I was 2 minutes late to her house if my memory serves me right. :P Anyways Jia Yi was a little bit late because she didn't know the way to Ky's house. Ky's dad was still being so patient and forgiving as usual! :')

Reached the airport and we were a few minutes late. Everyone else was surprisingly early.

Anyway, it wasn't a good start because just right when we checked in our luggages, Pn. Fari realised the "minimum weight" for luggage she asked for wasn't 15kg for each person but 0kg. So we were quite doomed since they count by per kg so Pn Fari had to pay RM1,800+ for the whole thing unnecessarily. The trip hadn't even started and then that came up making everyone felt quite bad since we were expecting Sir and Pn. Fari to be in a bad mood for the rest of the day.

Then we were on board, we(Char, Ky and I) sat together. Flight No. is AK 5108 if you're interested. :P This good looking air steward came around. We then started to talk about him and I started with my "he's good looking if he says ok to getting a cup of water for me" And guess what? He did! That's when I really started to think he's handsome hahahahah.

Got our hoversack and moved on to meet our drivers. 2 vans to tour us around so we're separated into 2 groups. My group had Sir, Thiam Joo, Boon Fei, Yoong Shing, Wah Kin, Jia Yi, Zhe Yon, Zer Jinn, Marvin, Kwan Zhang and Chee Kong. Then Marvin got kicked out on IDK which day. :P Oh have I mentioned that both the drivers liked techno music? We were so worried that they were gonna listen to such songs(music) for the whole 16 days!

We then checked in in a hostel (actually it's a Jabatan Sukan thingy which has dorms). After that we went to a beach Tanjung Aru beach. We played dodgeball and football! Girls had special privileges to 'own' the ball. Basically, guys just can't touch the ball when a girl is having the ball! :D So fair right? And I managed to score a goal, even! Sunset was really beautiful! Made up of tone colour - orangem white, yellow, etc. Ky and Jesslyn then bought Keropok Lekor RM1 for 6! Then we went back to Jabatan for briefing. That's all for that day heheh! (:

Tanjung Aru

All photos were not taken by me. Credits to Marvin/Jia Kai/Justin.

Labels: Trip

Posted by Bernice with love.♥
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Title: lead me to Your heart

Tuesday, December 10, 2013 || 12:04 PM

What difference have I really made?

I jogged to Guardian to get something, praying hard that God would protect me, and He did. On the way home, I met a Jehovah's witness guy accompanied by a JW girl. You see, they changed the Word to agree with their theology. & God says you should never change His words.

18 For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book:
19 And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book. -Rev 22

You see, it is that serious because you're misleading other people to believe in what you've changed! And also,

2 Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you, neither shall ye diminish ought from it, that ye may keep the commandments of the Lord your God which I command you. -Duet 4

I'm not sure why I answered what I answered, but I'm hoping that what I answered revealed the truth.
Anyway, this is what they believe in.

I know the fact that I chose Sabah over everything else might not have been the wisest choice, I don't know why I was so desperate to go either, but the preparation and the stress that I'm going through (worry about how unfit I am and the fact that I might be left aside by the rock), I know very clearly that I shouldn't be worrying because I have God's strength, but I feel like I'm stuck with this worry and I can't get out. I'm about to suffocate myself with all these unnecessary worries.

I think I can no longer hide my loneliness, depression in me. I want to let them all out. I didn't mean to show an emotional face at the farewell 'party' at Jenna's yesterday. I shouldn't have hid myself aside and should have joined them even though I didn't know much about celebrities and movies. I hate myself for being a coward every time. What's wrong with being myself?

But having that said, I'm still afraid. Although there's nothing wrong being myself, and I'm proud that I've God in my life, that's all that matters in the end, no? but my mind seems to differ, my human mind. Not spending my time with God for about a month now seemed to have distanced me from God. Exams should never be the excuse to not spend time with God. God even sent Jesus to die for us, a sinless man, God in flesh, and I didn't draw myself close to Him. I know clearly that He has been there, throughout my stressful period, and promising to spend even more time with Him but ended up getting caught with dramas and thinking about how socially awkward I'm gonna be in Sabah, how unfit I am (unnecessary thoughts, mostly). I cannot afford to lose God in my life 'cause He's my only comfort, He's the only One who's there whenever I'm sad, but I didn't even bother spending time with Him because I've been too caught up with worldly stuff which will one day all pass away.

So what if people judge me? In the end it's God's judgement that matters. Earthly things will never stay. Why do I still care so much about what people will think of me? As long as I didn't do anything wrong? People judge, even I do, but honestly I need to change myself because I've been judging unintentionally and I guess people hated me because I judged them and I know I shouldn't have.
Although they never admit, no matter how hard I've tried, they will still judge. I'm the biggest hypocrite in this world, am I not?

I'm sorry, and I should be apologizing, really and sincerely too. If I've ever said anything wrong I just hope that you know I did so unintentionally.

Oh I seriously am still impressed with the senses Leonidas has. He knew that I didn't look happy yesterday again lol. He sat beside me and tried to dig out my problems again. And I, as usual, didn't confess my problems again. I think this hiding-my-problems thing should stop soon. I'm only drowning myself with all these pretending.

I need to be able to say what's wrong with me one day, 'cause I feel like the longer I hide, the more depressed and negative I will get. & that's not helping me to be a happier person, but instead, I think depression is slowly engulfing(taking over) my emotions.

Let's hope and pray that I will survive through Sabah trip.

####
My mom told me how scary my maid actually is. She is allowed to contact with her family members every month. She didn't tell us that her husband has been working in Johor for 10 months now. She asked my brother to give him his account number so that he could transfer RM200 to my brother for her. What on earth? And my brother didn't even bother to tell my mom about receiving money. The reason she wanted to go Johor with my mom was because she wanted to look for her husband. She even asked my cousin brother to drive her to meet her husband. That's like.. the smartest thing a person can do? I don't know what's gonna happen next but I've a feeling that she's gonna run away. I should have known that she's not as innocent as she looks.

Labels: Personal

Posted by Bernice with love.♥
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Title: throwback

Friday, December 6, 2013 || 2:24 PM

Let's see.

I'm only recalling what I've always recalled, if you get what I mean. Some memories constantly appear in your mind but you don't really know why they do. Some memories are meant to be kept in the deepest place in your mind where you can't remember but when someone talks about it you are able to recall. Some, are just meant to be forgotten.

I'm gonna talk about what constantly appear in my mind.

I remember when I was very young, my dad sent me to the hospital (as usual), but something unusual happened. It was a very heart breaking incident. I think I was trying so hard to escape from remembering it that now I'm not even sure whether it was a dream that I could remember or it really did happen.

I remember my Chinese class teacher brought my class to the library and I was sitting beside Jo Ann. Jo Ann asked me why I wasn't a Christian and told me how you can go to heaven just because you're a Christian. That didn't make sense to me and I just ignored what she said. Thinking about it, it's really not just being a Christian but being a true believer and follower. I've always recalled what I said, I think my answer was "because my mom's a Buddhist." For a non believer that is just how it goes, and I understand. People try to avoid Christianity because they don't know what it's really about and that was me. I celebrated Christmas without knowing why I did, it was all merely about Santa Claus, presents, gatherings, etc.

I get so touched everytime I listen to this song ^.

I remember I was so certain about being a Buddhist, but little did I know I was only following what my mom believed. I never really knew what it's about. There are still so many different beliefs between these two religions. I'm just glad God didn't give up drawing me closer to Him although I kinda rejected Him. Truth is, He never gives up using people to influence others. He has greater plans and that is undeniable.

I remember I had a huge argument with my primary school friends because of a gathering in Form 1 or 2. Since then I have phobia planning a gathering and using my mom's credit card because I'm afraid I will make the same mistake again. I'm just sad that we're not talking after that incident.

I remember in Form 2 I had a huge argument with Siew Chin, I cried so much because we had different ideas on swearing, and she even involved my friendship with this guy. I was so angry back then and we didn't talk for a week or two until her birthday.

I remember I had a lot of friendship issues and I lost a few friends because I stopped talking to them. It's kinda like to protect myself from getting hurt ever again so I refrain myself from getting too close to anyone.

I remember my brother got into and accident and ever since then he became very weird. I stopped talking to him because he started smoking again and I was very disappointed. Til now it's a bit hard to not feel disappointed when I see lighter or stuff related to smoking. It's just so sad.

I remember in Form 1 I sat with Soon Man and I didn't quite like her, I don't know why. I was an idiot and I still am. Although after a few months we became close friends. It's really hard for me to get close to someone before knowing who they really are. I'm not as friendly as I seem because if it hasn't reached a certain period knowing you I admit I can be really bitcccccccccc*y. Now even with my maid, she has worked a year but I'm still treating her like a stranger and trying to escape when she tries to befriend me. I feel bad after every disrespectful act. I guess I'm just really tired of having different maids. and I really hated when she talked to me especially when I was studying or doing something urgent/important or watching my dramas. SHE JUST HAD TO TALK.

I remember being angry with Kyleen for no apparent reasons until she told me she didn't like that and I knew I was being a b*tchhhhh also I don't know why I'm always like that. Of course that was when we weren't as close. And then she kinda was involved in drawing me closer to Christ and we became best friends. :) I'm so thankful for her!

I remember stalking guys with Zoe and numbered the guys we stalked. We started off stalking guys who looked like my crush back then. I'm not even afraid to say his name now - TYS, sorry just initial if you wanna know you can ask me who he is. He broke my heart thrice hahahah but funny how after so many times of disappointments we're best friends now.

I remember walking past his class on purpose in primary school because his class was located near the staff room. I remember there were a lot of people who were obsessed with him including my best friend. Funny how we liked the same guy and we didn't know that. Ah, small world but I guess he was just too hot for me it was irresistible :P now ah..... hahahaha not bad laaaa :P

I remember being stressed about not being responsible in clubs and societies.

I remember I had arguments with Zoe too when getting Kyleen a Polaroid camera we didn't talk for a few days but we ended up talking again anyway :P

I admit that I've been immature, naive, hot tempered, obsessed. If I had hurt anyone of you I'm really sorry. I'm praying that I will be a better person and to draw myself closer to Christ in 2014. Thank You God for my life, thank You for the people You've put to be with me, thank You for everything!

Posted by Bernice with love.♥
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