"look back & learn"

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What difference have I really made?

I jogged to Guardian to get something, praying hard that God would protect me, and He did. On the way home, I met a Jehovah's witness guy accompanied by a JW girl. You see, they changed the Word to agree with their theology. & God says you should never change His words.

18 For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book: 
19 And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book. -Rev 22

You see, it is that serious because you're misleading other people to believe in what you've changed! And also,

2 Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you, neither shall ye diminish ought from it, that ye may keep the commandments of the Lord your God which I command you. -Duet 4

I'm not sure why I answered what I answered, but I'm hoping that what I answered revealed the truth.
Anyway, this is what they believe in.

I know the fact that I chose Sabah over everything else might not have been the wisest choice, I don't know why I was so desperate to go either, but the preparation and the stress that I'm going through (worry about how unfit I am and the fact that I might be left aside by the rock), I know very clearly that I shouldn't be worrying because I have God's strength, but I feel like I'm stuck with this worry and I can't get out. I'm about to suffocate myself with all these unnecessary worries.

I think I can no longer hide my loneliness, depression in me. I want to let them all out. I didn't mean to show an emotional face at the farewell 'party' at Jenna's yesterday. I shouldn't have hid myself aside and should have joined them even though I didn't know much about celebrities and movies. I hate myself for being a coward every time. What's wrong with being myself?

But having that said, I'm still afraid. Although there's nothing wrong being myself, and I'm proud that I've God in my life, that's all that matters in the end, no? but my mind seems to differ, my human mind. Not spending my time with God for about a month now seemed to have distanced me from God. Exams should never be the excuse to not spend time with God. God even sent Jesus to die for us, a sinless man, God in flesh, and I didn't draw myself close to Him. I know clearly that He has been there, throughout my stressful period, and promising to spend even more time with Him but ended up getting caught with dramas and thinking about how socially awkward I'm gonna be in Sabah, how unfit I am (unnecessary thoughts, mostly). I cannot afford to lose God in my life 'cause He's my only comfort, He's the only One who's there whenever I'm sad, but I didn't even bother spending time with Him because I've been too caught up with worldly stuff which will one day all pass away.

So what if people judge me? In the end it's God's judgement that matters. Earthly things will never stay. Why do I still care so much about what people will think of me? As long as I didn't do anything wrong? People judge, even I do, but honestly I need to change myself because I've been judging unintentionally and I guess people hated me because I judged them and I know I shouldn't have.
Although they never admit, no matter how hard I've tried, they will still judge. I'm the biggest hypocrite in this world, am I not?

I'm sorry, and I should be apologizing, really and sincerely too. If I've ever said anything wrong I just hope that you know I did so unintentionally.

Oh I seriously am still impressed with the senses Leonidas has. He knew that I didn't look happy yesterday again lol. He sat beside me and tried to dig out my problems again. And I, as usual, didn't confess my problems again. I think this hiding-my-problems thing should stop soon. I'm only drowning myself with all these pretending.

I need to be able to say what's wrong with me one day, 'cause I feel like the longer I hide, the more depressed and negative I will get. & that's not helping me to be a happier person, but instead, I think depression is slowly engulfing(taking over) my emotions.

Let's hope and pray that I will survive through Sabah trip.

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My mom told me how scary my maid actually is. She is allowed to contact with her family members every month. She didn't tell us that her husband has been working in Johor for 10 months now. She asked my brother to give him his account number so that he could transfer RM200 to my brother for her. What on earth? And my brother didn't even bother to tell my mom about receiving money. The reason she wanted to go Johor with my mom was because she wanted to look for her husband. She even asked my cousin brother to drive her to meet her husband. That's like.. the smartest thing a person can do? I don't know what's gonna happen next but I've a feeling that she's gonna run away. I should have known that she's not as innocent as she looks.

Labels: Personal