"look back & learn"

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Since there's actually a friend of mine who told me to update my blog. Why not?

So it's been one week plus since I started my classes and today was public holiday! Such a joy! Anyways it's quite tough for me to be typing now since my right middle finger is hurting so badly. Oh no, I think I've been inserting too much stress on my middle finger trying so hard to crack it but I couldn't so it's throwing tantrum on me.

Anyways did I mention that I got my own car for almost one month now? Just thought I should at least state when exactly I got my car hehe. :) It was on the 7th of January!

I haven't led CG for almost two months now I still haven't fully gotten used to it. It's been two months of really good rest and just getting back on track with God! I'm just hoping that with my soon to be busy schedule I won't be taking devotion time with God lightly all over again. Really need to humble myself to learn more about Him no matter where I am.

Until now, I'm still quite worried about leading the group of people I've been leading. It is such a prominent fact that we are such different people. Although I'm really trying my best to lead them, but truly, like what God was trying to tell me through Pastor Alex, that I haven't fully trusted Him and rested in Him. I really broke down when Pastor Alex was praying about that for me. The whole last year was me worrying about how good I had to be, how I needed to have the knowledge and me just belittling myself before every CG meeting. Me panicking every Friday night and on Saturday mornings. I think I still feel that way and it really is because I haven't fully surrendered the CG into His hands. Deep down I know He's with me and I CAN find rest in Him, but this step of faith, this step of just depending on Him, I haven't had the courage to do so. I know how I'm never gonna do it great if it's not with Him, even discussing with Lu-Zhong the other day made me just wanna escape from the reality that I'm a CG leader. To say that I'm alright would be a lie. Maybe before this what I didn't do was to admit that I'm not alright.

And that's how it is. If we don't admit that we're not alright, we won't be able to see how gracious this God is. Somehow typing everything out just reminds me of God's unfailing love that I so often have neglected because of the busy schedule I have. All the temporary escapes/pleasures like watching a few movies over night (in only one night), in the end coming to the reality that I have so much more to do. Procrastinating is never a solution but my flesh loves doing so.

Did I tell you about leaders retreat? It was on the 31st of January and on the 1st of February. On the first night I really did encounter God. Rose was just randomly praying for me but I knew that it was God making her to do so because it was about my priorities. (Which was a problem that I recently faced and was really upset about)

So the other day I was just having "family time" helping my brother for his event company's project. He was kinda "brainwashing" my mom about having me to work some time during weekends. That, of course, requires me to not go to church. Don't know if you knew that I actually insisted to go to church on the last day of 2014. I did, but of course throughout the process of convincing my mom to let me off, I was really trying my best to honour her. Obviously though, she's not happy with what I did - choosing church over money.

So that was the night that I raised my voice a little more at my brother saying "this life is so short but eternal life is super long". That was really because he was using lotsa examples of his friends and friends' parents not going to church because they realise how important living a "practical" life is. How they used to be leaders and now even on Christmas day they'd rather stay at home, etc. And my brother was telling my mom how he's "better" because he goes to church on Christmas day when his friend didn't.

But that contradicted with his belief of "going to church doesn't mean you're a Christian". Ah well, I'm really really praying that me going to church and choosing God over everything else doesn't seem like it's a duty but they can really see that it's because I want to, really.

So anyways Rose was telling me about critical communication, which firstly is to look for the mutual purpose and secondly the mutual respect between each other.

Just was really thankful that God reminded me to honour and find rest in Him.

Oh yea that's just a little update about me.

Anyways I was late for class on Monday and I didn't dare to go in to the class  -_- so I skipped math class for the first time in my life. Felt so bad. :'(

I think I have a really really bad habit of always being late. Classes or meetings. Aiks, I think I need to make sure I'm prepared 15 minutes before every occasion. ._.


Just an update on my life so far. I'm finally done with Semester twoooo! :) Time flies! It seems like just two days ago when I met my classmates. Okay, maybe not two days but two weeks? That three days were spent in Muar! Ah, I miss Muar with them so much! Back when everything was still in good terms (not that it's not now, but I'd much rather hope things didn't have to change so much after!

So I was telling you guys about the two couples in my class? (not sure if I did, but yea there was, at least, one official one among my group of friends) And then soon after the other couple got together officially. This happened in the beginning of October? Which was only less than five months after college started! So yea, things accelerated a little fast. I was genuinely supportive of both of these relationships! I was pretty hopeful to see them last.. Reason being each of them from these two couples are my brother and sister in Christ! Even though their partners aren't believers, but at least they are! They know Jesus! Just that one of them might have been drifted away from God for quite some time already.. but I was really praying that this relationship they own wouldn't pull them away from God.

After a month of being together one of them broke off. It was really a news.. No one expected that, no one wanted that to happen, either. Reasons are still vague, at least to the public. No one knows why. Or maybe we do know, but we can't be sure. So I was alright with that but was just hoping that this break up would be for the better. It's sad though, to know that after that break up both of them became so awkward towards each other.. when I just started to get used to seeing them holding hands.. they then had to stay 10 miles away whenever they see each other.. (I am exaggerating)

Anyways, it was I guess, okay, to know the two couples sleeping together (one of them being unofficial though).. Just a condition that they wouldn't do anything else in the room..

But recently, after they got together, I felt like they have been sticking with each other so much that whenever I look for my friend, she's never around anymore, which really saddens me. We used to be so close and would talk to each other. Although I was being so supportive of the relationship before they even got together, having the condition that the guy wouldn't hurt her in anyway as the limit.. (I was almost the only one who was supportive of it), but lately, seeing them skipping classes just to have meals together, it really saddens me. Although it was nice to see after they got together they became so much more hardworking in revising, but.. the fact that I'm not close with someone I was so close with, saddens me.

We haven't been talking to each other for quite some time now.

I'm not sure if I was normal to feel that way. Maybe it's because I haven't been in a relationship so I cannot relate to why they have to stick with each other ALL THE TIME and ignore the world around them. As if we don't exist. That itself, made me think, a lot. I felt hurt. I felt lost.

So then I asked my two other friends who are in the relationship, (they set off one of the days of the week to go out with their boyfriend) I mean, I understand because of course you DO need to spend time with your loved one, but what about your friends? Do you just ignore them? They then told me that it's normal that they are like this especially during these crucial first few months. They are at their "hot" phase, where they only see the existence of each other and can barely see the others. Which although I'm inexperienced, I partially disagreed. Does love really go that way? You only stick with each other during the "hot" phase? Is that how the world define love? Or is there more to it? After being a believer, it's amazing to find out more about Love, about God Himself. He is Love, and He never fails. He didn't just die for us because He felt like it. His love has been so immense ever since day one! And that alone overwhelms me. There needs to be more than physical movements, there has to be. The intimacy with Christ was never physical touch, it was never just a feeling. I guess putting someone first and only seeing them as your world are totally different. We can't possibly love God and not love others. We are called to love Him, and then love His people. Although the world revolves around Him, but we still need to care about the others. Maybe this can't really be applied in whatever I was talking about so I will continue on with the story.

They have only been together for two months, and.. they have already been doing things more than just kissing. I don't know. I'm pretty sensitive over these, not that Christians are close minded our limit of physical touch in a relationship is holding hands (that's what the world thinks), but we choose to be pure before God. And what is the limit you need to set in order to be pure anyway? It's definitely more than that! It's about respecting God despite having someone who is also important in your life! God is the utmost important One! And He deserves us to have this fear of His Holy nature! He IS a jealous God and until and unless He makes both of you ONE, both of you AREN'T one. Sex in marriage IS beautiful. After all, His calling for us has always been to be fruitful and multiply (spiritually or biologically).

I just cheesecake-d again.

Yea anyways, love bites. I didn't know what to feel when I heard it directly from her. I was stunned. It has only been two months and that happened, what about the third month? Would you all announce that there's gonna be a child already? Temptations ARE real, and I'm very concerned, but I don't know what to do. I hope she's not blinded in whatever she's doing and would wake up but I don't know what to do to help her!! I don't know. I needed to talk to Michelle but she was busy yesterday! I don't know who to look for! So I talked to God, but God should have been the first person I look for anywaysss..

But anyways, tell me what you think?


Did I did I did I did I tell you guys that..

I found out about Anthem Lights and I like them? HAHAHA but too bad all of them are married! (Not that I thought of being one of their wives but..) HERE YOU GO. ANTHEM LIGHTS!


And one of them is ultra hot HAHAHA! And when he sings he's so hot also BAHAHAHA. I a bit siao now.


Actually honestly I don't think I'm the type who would scream when I see hot guys. Maybe I used to be like that, especially when my life direction was.. nothing, it wasn't to worship the Almighty/ to live for Him and in Him or anything like that. I think I used to stalk guys with my friend, Zoe when I was thirteen. HAHA, "when I was thirteen I had my first love"[baby - J. Bieber lyrics], it seems now like when you're thirteen you do all the weirdest stuff. Not that having his first love when he was thirteen is weird. But how does a thirteen year old define love, anyways?

How do you?

Going back to stalking guys, I think we weren't very creepy. We didn't follow them to the gents or did anything else that you may think is creepy. We were just teenagers looking for people who looked like my ex(crush) then somehow started to look out for good looking form two guys and labelled them as One Two Three Four Five Six. Now thinking of it, I don't remember who they are anymore HAHAH! The only thing I remember is that One looked a lot like my ex(crush) and Two looked like One. HAHAHA, some good memories there maaaan!

Okay maybe my memory is not that bad lah. I can still remember One and Two. Not the others though! I really don't. Meh, don't care~

Anyways ah, my life has been so busy since Semester Two started. It's so sad. I don't think I had a day off from everything. It's been too long! My Saturday mornings and Sundays that were meant for resting have been replaced by working. It's really sad how coming home means rushing assignment deadlines and completing homework. Hardly get to slack, even if I get to, I selfie. I know, I know. What to do man? Selfie is a frigging disease. I tried fasting it before okay! And that week was the most productive week in my life, no kidding!


I still wanna watch the movie, The Song badly lah! The Song's the song is so nice right? *mindblown* Yes, the song title is the song, the movie is also called the song! :O

Sorry I just cheesecake-d a bit!
If you actually are a regular reader, you would know what 'cheesecake' means. If you don't know then you ask the other readers or ask me lah kays. (I doubt there's even an alive human reading this but still)

I shouldn't actually be blogging since I have to start studying! Exams are in about two weeks! Armagaaaardddd. The stress. And I have so many things left undone! Presentation tomorrow. And truth is I just finished one a few days ago. D: And it didn't go that well. Hopefully everything goes well tomorrow!

I've been wishing to drive and wanting to get a car, a guitar and am actually waiting for my brother to get a new phone so I can "inherit" his S4! Half a year to go, YAY!! It gets kinda stressful to see everyone around me drive except myself. Some more I'm one of the earliest to get my P license! But they have instead, been fetching me around. It's really not that I don't wanna drive but I don't have a car!! I've been asking for one but at the same time I feel so bad. I don't get why the generation today demands every eighteen year old to drive!! It's like you're out of the norm and "rejected-ish" if you don't drive! Do you feel me? I'm not that rich sigh. If only I could afford my own car! (Which I think I will have to wait for a few years lah!), Definitely peer pressure and I'm really tired of waiting for transports that sometimes require me to wait for hours! Sigh, but all in all, I should still learn to be patient and grateful!

I do ask God for these things, but I know God knows best. He knows my real motive which I don't think I myself am very clear of. So really, my situation now is, demanding yet don't want to. That battle in me, uh oh!

A guitar because my guitar is kinda broken and it's quite old! It's actually sad you know.. I've been playing for years now but it's broken once it's passed down to me! Need a new one that sounds nicer! But I need to first learn how to take care of my belongings right? ;'( (you know I nearly forgot about my Mac in college!! And I already did forget my phone and left it somewhere in college for hours! I'm just really thankful that it didn't go missing.. ._.


^ Just a song that is kinda encouraging. I don't think a lot of people even think of looking for all those qualities mentioned in the song nowadays. Maybe it's because I don't look that pretty it makes me realise (or self-comfort) that looks can be deceiving and fleeting. But I shouldn't think that way right? Not all pretty girls behave badly! There are good ones too! HAHAH! But honestly and genuinely, I don't think anyone around me looks horrible!

So yea! I haven't seen any la! But I'm sure you who are reading this are beautiful in your own way so it's okay if you don't think you look pretty! We can look normal but we just do our best in being the best we can be, alright?? :)

I think I've told too much crap I need to stop so ciao loves! God bless and don't forget that God loves you k!