"look back & learn"

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Since there's actually a friend of mine who told me to update my blog. Why not?

So it's been one week plus since I started my classes and today was public holiday! Such a joy! Anyways it's quite tough for me to be typing now since my right middle finger is hurting so badly. Oh no, I think I've been inserting too much stress on my middle finger trying so hard to crack it but I couldn't so it's throwing tantrum on me.

Anyways did I mention that I got my own car for almost one month now? Just thought I should at least state when exactly I got my car hehe. :) It was on the 7th of January!

I haven't led CG for almost two months now I still haven't fully gotten used to it. It's been two months of really good rest and just getting back on track with God! I'm just hoping that with my soon to be busy schedule I won't be taking devotion time with God lightly all over again. Really need to humble myself to learn more about Him no matter where I am.

Until now, I'm still quite worried about leading the group of people I've been leading. It is such a prominent fact that we are such different people. Although I'm really trying my best to lead them, but truly, like what God was trying to tell me through Pastor Alex, that I haven't fully trusted Him and rested in Him. I really broke down when Pastor Alex was praying about that for me. The whole last year was me worrying about how good I had to be, how I needed to have the knowledge and me just belittling myself before every CG meeting. Me panicking every Friday night and on Saturday mornings. I think I still feel that way and it really is because I haven't fully surrendered the CG into His hands. Deep down I know He's with me and I CAN find rest in Him, but this step of faith, this step of just depending on Him, I haven't had the courage to do so. I know how I'm never gonna do it great if it's not with Him, even discussing with Lu-Zhong the other day made me just wanna escape from the reality that I'm a CG leader. To say that I'm alright would be a lie. Maybe before this what I didn't do was to admit that I'm not alright.

And that's how it is. If we don't admit that we're not alright, we won't be able to see how gracious this God is. Somehow typing everything out just reminds me of God's unfailing love that I so often have neglected because of the busy schedule I have. All the temporary escapes/pleasures like watching a few movies over night (in only one night), in the end coming to the reality that I have so much more to do. Procrastinating is never a solution but my flesh loves doing so.

Did I tell you about leaders retreat? It was on the 31st of January and on the 1st of February. On the first night I really did encounter God. Rose was just randomly praying for me but I knew that it was God making her to do so because it was about my priorities. (Which was a problem that I recently faced and was really upset about)

So the other day I was just having "family time" helping my brother for his event company's project. He was kinda "brainwashing" my mom about having me to work some time during weekends. That, of course, requires me to not go to church. Don't know if you knew that I actually insisted to go to church on the last day of 2014. I did, but of course throughout the process of convincing my mom to let me off, I was really trying my best to honour her. Obviously though, she's not happy with what I did - choosing church over money.

So that was the night that I raised my voice a little more at my brother saying "this life is so short but eternal life is super long". That was really because he was using lotsa examples of his friends and friends' parents not going to church because they realise how important living a "practical" life is. How they used to be leaders and now even on Christmas day they'd rather stay at home, etc. And my brother was telling my mom how he's "better" because he goes to church on Christmas day when his friend didn't.

But that contradicted with his belief of "going to church doesn't mean you're a Christian". Ah well, I'm really really praying that me going to church and choosing God over everything else doesn't seem like it's a duty but they can really see that it's because I want to, really.

So anyways Rose was telling me about critical communication, which firstly is to look for the mutual purpose and secondly the mutual respect between each other.

Just was really thankful that God reminded me to honour and find rest in Him.

Oh yea that's just a little update about me.

Anyways I was late for class on Monday and I didn't dare to go in to the class  -_- so I skipped math class for the first time in my life. Felt so bad. :'(

I think I have a really really bad habit of always being late. Classes or meetings. Aiks, I think I need to make sure I'm prepared 15 minutes before every occasion. ._.