"look back & learn"

Title: Of responsibilities and ranting..?

Monday, May 4, 2015 || 2:41 AM

It's been so long, I've been living my life as if I never had a blog. Sorry dear blog since I only remember to share my pain with you, never joy. Or, idk. I only remember your existence when I need you? What's that called again? Not mutualism nor commensalism. Something starting with a P. Oh, right, just googled it, it's parasitism. Oh dearest blog I bet you're hurt.

What. I'm such a weirdo.

So I just decided to visit my blog and saw the cbox section. Whoaaaa.. Never knew there are people who still would read my blog. Some more Jing Jing told me she just read my blog like wert :P

Actually what I'm about to tell you is mind blowing haha. I just finished my final finals for foundation like last Thursday. Can you believe that? 'cause I certainly can't. And guess what? I'll be starting my degree on the 11th of May. 😏 *feels so old and blogger should totally update this blog post section or add an emoji section so I don't have to go online to copy paste* 😏😏

And I stumbled upon these emojis and they are just so wrong please - 👭👬 - what has the world become to ohmai.

Oh wells.

Anyways, not exactly starting though. I can't believe the government has set to require us to study 8 frigging MPU subjects. 😭 is life all about studying MPU subjects now or what? Sigh. So I will have 3 months of studying 3 out of 5 MPU subjects and then officially start degree in October (September intake) and kinda praying that God would provide me to go to UK to study for my 3rd year. Huhu, no one knows about this plan of mine, but I really wanna get away form this town for a little while oh oh~ (somehow be able to link to Taylor's Love Story bahahaha.🎵 Knowing that song itself reveals how old I am eh?)

Chey, actually I'm not that old. Haven't even reached my last teen year (not yet but soon and that's just sad but also truly thank God that I've experienced almost 19 years of life? and a few wonderful years to have known Him. Certainly the most amazing few years in my life. Life has never been so good.)

But yah. I already studied 3 MPU subjects okay the government is just cray lah. And MPU subject alone has like the most assignments which doesn't make sense at all weihs. Out of 12 months almost 11 months of time spent on MPU. That is just indeed the definition of nonsense.

Okay lah, maybe not that bad. I still was blessed enough to have met nice MPU lecturers and even got to interview a Member of Parliament and found out a lot more about politics which was kinda interesting.

Anyways lately I've been sleeping a lot YAY. Public holidays are the best 'cause I get to not go to work and sleep in and all I do is just to stay at home and eat and sleep and of course finally get to do whatever I want which I haven't had that opportunity to do so for a VERY VERY VERY VERY long time already. To say that "it's been awhile" is an understatement. Like 10 meter deep down under the sea and under the under sea kinda understatement man. Thank God for this time to just slow down (BUT WHY IS TIME PASSING SO FAST I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO CLASSES SO SOON ALTHOUGH I DO MISS MY CLASSMATES)

Oh and I'm really really really excited for the PD trip next weekend. Although I foresee that it will be a very awkward time for me. I'm still undecided whether to bring my guitar or ukulele (bringing guitar seems so show off-ish and attention seeking I think I will just go with ukulele) :/ BUT I ACTUALLY REALLY WANNA PLAY THE GUITAR BY THE SEA ONE DAY, that's like the dream, but at the same time I don't wanna attract attention. #dilemma

Oh wells, I think I had just decided what to bring already?

Oh krep, I just remembered I need to come out with prayer items?? Oh yup yup that's for the upcoming campus camp we will have in July kinda look forward to it since it will be about apologetics but the preparation process part is...... OHMAI I KINDA WANNA ESCAPE REALITY FOR AWHILE LAH. Sigh.

Why, responsibilities why? When you are responsible in something you just can't be irresponsible although you're so tempted to just put everything aside.

Oh, andd I really am not capable and too irresponsible to take up the president post (of CF) lah.. Although at the same time I also feel burdened to serve. I thought high school was the end of all my responsibilities but now it seems like high school was just the beginning of everything man.

And oh God, help me be a responsible person, a good daughter to my parents please. :/ Lately I've been feeling so like urgh screw everything and that's really really bad. :/ Really really need to come back to the feet of God and lay everything there including my terrible behaviours, ew. 😭😭😭😭 definitely can't do this if it's not with God.

Posted by Bernice with love.♥
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Title: I wonder, love.

Friday, March 6, 2015 || 1:10 AM

So I was telling my friends that I will be posting about this topic soon. I think it's been one month that I said that and that it's been occasionally flashed on my mind just that I had no time to do this. Not that I have time right now but I'm just gonna spill everything out here. :)

P/s: just to update about my life and what I've been thinking about lately?

I don't know but I think I really lack of time every moment. Like sleeping is such a time consuming activity but I need that more than anyone else on this Earth (obviously not, but I'm just saying I really need sleep, like NEED.)

I guess lately I've developed a bad habit of being late. (other than procrastinating - which actually I don't really have time to even do so anymore) I don't think I've ever been early for any meeting that I have to attend to, or rather, any activity or even classes. I really need to get rid of such bad habit because it's really a very bad habit. -_- Every time I tell my friend that I'm coming at that time, I won't. LOL, why? because I always underestimate the time which I have to take to prepare myself. I feel frustrated with myself also.

Also, I always have things to do in my mind and want to do them but in the end forgetting about it so I only remember it the next day and sometimes it's too late to do them. :(

Anyways, getting back to the title (which currently is empty, actually), I wonder.

It seems like everyone around me HAS a partner, so it really is normal that I wonder about it right?

I sometimes really do wonder, how love feels like. (or perhaps, not what love feels like but how being in a relationship with a partner feels like?)
Honestly and obviously, I can't answer questions like: would you get jealous of her if he [fill in the blank].
But I guess thank God that all the other people are able to answer?
The usually-speak-out-my-perspectives me remain so quiet that even if a needle falls on the ground you would be able to hear it, hah. -direct translation from a Chinese proverb lol, too lazy to search for a proper phrase.
Whenever my girlfriends stick to their partners and abandon my presence and I'm just like: how I wish they don't exist, (as in their partners la - I know it's the cruelest thing to think about lol.) obviously that's just that sudden thought that I have in mind, but I would just shift my mind to wondering if I would do the same if I really do have a partner, at the same time wishing that I won't ever abandon my friends.
I wonder, if I would ever sacrifice myself for my loved one?
I wonder, if I would ever think of him day and night and all I remember about is whether he has eaten, whether he has enough sleep, when he's feeling all right?
I wonder, if I would ever be irrational when it comes to things that concern him?
Then I wonder, if I would ever fight or argue over the smallest things with him if I really love him that much?
Would I nag?
Would I be able to hold my urge to hug him when I see him?
Would he be the one I would want to marry?
Would he be the only person whom I can't live without?
I wonder who he is?

But after all these wonders, I come back to my senses, knowing that God is in control. And, I really really hope with the relationship that I will have with this particular important person in the future, God will be the centre of our relationship. I know there's no point to wonder, because it's not under my control anyways, but sometimes I just do wonder, and I'm just being transparent towards you guys, and girls of course.

I know how this few verses have been taken out of context, like to the maximum, but I really do believe that when the word love is replaced by "God", it warmths my heart like cray cray.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 New International Version (NIV)
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

All in all, I know that He's the one I can't live without, literally. In Him we have life, through Him we're saved and made righteous.

Posted by Bernice with love.♥
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Title: Car and life!

Wednesday, February 4, 2015 || 12:16 AM

Since there's actually a friend of mine who told me to update my blog. Why not?

So it's been one week plus since I started my classes and today was public holiday! Such a joy! Anyways it's quite tough for me to be typing now since my right middle finger is hurting so badly. Oh no, I think I've been inserting too much stress on my middle finger trying so hard to crack it but I couldn't so it's throwing tantrum on me.

Anyways did I mention that I got my own car for almost one month now? Just thought I should at least state when exactly I got my car hehe. :) It was on the 7th of January!

I haven't led CG for almost two months now I still haven't fully gotten used to it. It's been two months of really good rest and just getting back on track with God! I'm just hoping that with my soon to be busy schedule I won't be taking devotion time with God lightly all over again. Really need to humble myself to learn more about Him no matter where I am.

Until now, I'm still quite worried about leading the group of people I've been leading. It is such a prominent fact that we are such different people. Although I'm really trying my best to lead them, but truly, like what God was trying to tell me through Pastor Alex, that I haven't fully trusted Him and rested in Him. I really broke down when Pastor Alex was praying about that for me. The whole last year was me worrying about how good I had to be, how I needed to have the knowledge and me just belittling myself before every CG meeting. Me panicking every Friday night and on Saturday mornings. I think I still feel that way and it really is because I haven't fully surrendered the CG into His hands. Deep down I know He's with me and I CAN find rest in Him, but this step of faith, this step of just depending on Him, I haven't had the courage to do so. I know how I'm never gonna do it great if it's not with Him, even discussing with Lu-Zhong the other day made me just wanna escape from the reality that I'm a CG leader. To say that I'm alright would be a lie. Maybe before this what I didn't do was to admit that I'm not alright.

And that's how it is. If we don't admit that we're not alright, we won't be able to see how gracious this God is. Somehow typing everything out just reminds me of God's unfailing love that I so often have neglected because of the busy schedule I have. All the temporary escapes/pleasures like watching a few movies over night (in only one night), in the end coming to the reality that I have so much more to do. Procrastinating is never a solution but my flesh loves doing so.

Did I tell you about leaders retreat? It was on the 31st of January and on the 1st of February. On the first night I really did encounter God. Rose was just randomly praying for me but I knew that it was God making her to do so because it was about my priorities. (Which was a problem that I recently faced and was really upset about)

So the other day I was just having "family time" helping my brother for his event company's project. He was kinda "brainwashing" my mom about having me to work some time during weekends. That, of course, requires me to not go to church. Don't know if you knew that I actually insisted to go to church on the last day of 2014. I did, but of course throughout the process of convincing my mom to let me off, I was really trying my best to honour her. Obviously though, she's not happy with what I did - choosing church over money.

So that was the night that I raised my voice a little more at my brother saying "this life is so short but eternal life is super long". That was really because he was using lotsa examples of his friends and friends' parents not going to church because they realise how important living a "practical" life is. How they used to be leaders and now even on Christmas day they'd rather stay at home, etc. And my brother was telling my mom how he's "better" because he goes to church on Christmas day when his friend didn't.

But that contradicted with his belief of "going to church doesn't mean you're a Christian". Ah well, I'm really really praying that me going to church and choosing God over everything else doesn't seem like it's a duty but they can really see that it's because I want to, really.

So anyways Rose was telling me about critical communication, which firstly is to look for the mutual purpose and secondly the mutual respect between each other.

Just was really thankful that God reminded me to honour and find rest in Him.

Oh yea that's just a little update about me.

Anyways I was late for class on Monday and I didn't dare to go in to the class -_- so I skipped math class for the first time in my life. Felt so bad. :'(

I think I have a really really bad habit of always being late. Classes or meetings. Aiks, I think I need to make sure I'm prepared 15 minutes before every occasion. ._.

Posted by Bernice with love.♥
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