"look back & learn"

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At times like this, I just feel like hugging the Bible and cry out to God. I don't know why I'm feeling left out, I think this is how everyone else (the inactive CG members) feels too? I'm such an attention seeker hahaha, of course I hope no one will read this post because well, it's too personal to be read. What I was feeling just now, hahaha I guess I was just jealous that the whole CG went publika without me! After ranting I suddenly remembered how nice my CG leader had been treating me, but I still chose study over spending time with 'em and God, and ended up wasting my six hours (to and fro KL is about one hour?) & I honestly think I didn't learn anything, so I voiced out my opinion but still ended up being.. well, I just thought ranting a bit would help, well, I couldn't leave myself thinking positively when I honestly had learned nothing, except maybe knowing that there's a new format and paper one questions are repeated that's all, HONESTLY. And if I've known voicing up my opinion would lead to seeming like I was thinking in a negative way then well I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything in the first place.

You see, I'm just tired of trying to fit it. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. Call me sensitive, but I really thought about what I said and still think I didn't learn anything. How does my negative way of thinking affect the whole situation? I know how I couldn't turn back time or anything, but one thing I've learned from what you said is to be grateful that we reached safely there.

LOL, back to the CG part, CG members were ALL uploading their photos of themselves having dinner at Publika. Maybe being an introvert, I've strived to fit it, and I'm just tired of mixing with them and yea, actually feel nervous talking to them because they are famous people at church that kinda thing. What do you do if you can't fit in, be it among school friends or even supposedly-to-be-really-close siblings in Christ? I've to admit that the CG is really big, and it's really hard to take care of everyone's needs, I'm just glad I'm accountable for Esther and that she shares and rants to me whenever she feels stressed or sad, I'd be happy and at the same time, would be learning more about God myself speaking to her as I try to comfort her.

Thing about me is that it's hard for me to open up. So whenever I'm so close to open up I will just lock everything in my heart so I won't be judged. You know, the fear of being judged because of your stories in the past, be it you're like that because of your family, or anything else like school friends or just anything else that would shape you in this lifetime. Just, your stories, you know. What that has been happening that makes you who you are today. I never stop thanking God that I've met Him, that's the greatest joy of mine, because no matter what happens, I would just think of Him, knowing that He's with me all the time, the Bible is so nice to hug because it's as if I'm hugging Him, being at His feet, surrendering my feelings, surrendering my stories, surrendering everything I think I'm tired of.

At times like this, no one understands, but Him.

It's amazing how ranting like this with a worship song would make me cry so much but leave me feeling so better already because this song is really consoling.



Con-SOUL-ing.

Sometimes you just gotta be wowed and amazed by how God is working. You will never know what comes to you until you surrender everything to Him. THIS, I was feeling so horrible but I stumbled to this blog. And here are some that relate so much now.

One of my favorite writers as of late, Shauna Niequist, writes about these seasons as “Thin Places.” It’s an ancient Celtic idea — of a place where the divide between divine and natural is thin, and God comes down to touch the earth, and His presence is nearly tangible. Brokenness can certainly bring us to that thin place — where God can, if we let him, come down to us and touch us in our broken state. When things seem to be falling apart all around us and inside us, God draws near with His presence. He might not fix things right away, but He is there, with us.

God, He never ceases to amaze me.

“Give up for a while your false and failing attempts at merriment, and thank God for thin places, and for Advent, for a season that understands longing and loneliness and long nights. Let yourself fall open to Advent, to anticipation, to the belief that what is empty will be filled, what is broken will be repaired, and what is lost can always be found, no matter how many times it’s been lost.” – Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet

Praise God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! The Father is a merciful God, who always gives us comfort. He comforts us when we are in trouble, so that we can share this same comfort with others in trouble. We share in the terrible sufferings of Christ, but also in the wonderful comfort he gives. -2 Corinthians 1:3-5
  

Labels: Personal