"look back & learn"

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If you know me, you'd probably think the weirdest side of me is that I really take birthdays seriously. People often ask why, i guess I've found myself a really good excuse that if you ever know why, you would stay silence right after that. It's really something so private that I've planned not to talk about it here and create a new private blog just to express my deepest secrets. Now that I know no one really reads my blog(I hope), I've decided to blog about it and I pray that everyone would keep their mouths shut and not spread around. I mean there's nothing too special to let this secret be known.

Furthermore, not that I'm telling the whole thing. So I beg your pardon that you will NOT judge me after reading this.

You see, I've always been overreacting about birthdays, be glad if I remember when your birthday is because it shows that you're an important person of mine. Well, truth is, it's only on my birthday that my parents would agree to have a meal with me. It's like an annual family gathering on my birthday every year so I am always happy when my birthday is near. Whenever I know one of them can't make it up for me, I would be really disappointed until I cry. But if they can make it to even have a meal with me, I would be really grateful and happy. Unfortunately, my mom always refuses to eat with me because her singing competition always clashes with my birthday. God knows why.

It so happen that this year, when I found out that she might be free, I'm really happy about it. Like seriously.. I might sound like a child that has been terribly rejected by my parents but maybe that's why I'm so LOA in front of my parents. They will never get why I'm so concerned about my birthday every year. My birthday is near so my dad bought me a box of cheese cake for me from secret recipe. I was grateful but would be more grateful if he didn't buy an rm80 one. I don't know why I get so emotional about it. It seems like his hard work and sincere heart are wasted just because no one even thinks to celebrate my birthday with me. He shouldn't have bought it this early.

For the past years, I felt grateful to have meals with my family members that a cake meant meaningless to me as long as they spend time with me. Am I really inconsiderate to want everyone to spend time with me? My mom just scolded me because I was inconsiderate when I complained that why would my dad even buy a cake when no one wants to celebrate with me. Do they really expect me to celebrate it alone. I thought I was really forever alone then. That's why I cried. I mean wouldn't it be sad to see someone having a big cheese cake and has to celebrate it alone. Just imagine that she sings happy birthday song by her own and then cuts her huge cake alone.

You may think I'm blaming my mom but no. More to go. My dad, he has never been one really responsible guy in the family. I'm sorry to say that. I did ask him but he blamed it on mom, unfortunately. A family of five can be as complicated as a family in HK dramas. It would be weird to say this but I desire my parents love that's why I always listen to their advices like to not have any boyfriend at this age(i understand that it is for my own good) whatever I did was to hope that they would see that I'm a good girl and they should at least love me because I listen to them? Cause I thought having a boyfriend would be the main cause for a scattered family. That's what I think. Imagine I'm a rebellious useless kid. Wouldn't they love me less?

I sound like a really depressed person now, huh? But that's the main reason I became a Christian. Because my parents are too busy to care about me, that's why I go to the Father who will never leave me. At least no matter what happen, God will still be the faithful one. No matter what I do He will still forgive. I mean, after all He still is the Almighty creator.

I hope whatever you've read stays here. Don't remind me of this either, don't ask me about my personal problems, just let me be who I am. Really, I still have dark secret in me that I don't wish to reveal. I'm not allowed to, too. Don't force me to tell. That's all I ask for.

Thank you for reading. God loves you.

Labels: Personal