"look back & learn"

Title: Tears, stream

Thursday, June 18, 2015 || 10:32 PM

Okay so let me update you guys about mah life again kays.

I think I've cried twice this year, or more. Who knows? I kinda forgot already but okay the number of times isn't the main point. (somehow reminded me of the song Last Christmas, wert? 😮 - once bitten, twice shy, I keep my distance, but you still caught my eyes.. 🎤)

Okay okay so let's get back to the reasons that made me cry!
I think I should be setting one of the new year's resolutions to not cry! 😤 I'm already freaking 19 year old and I cried. What a cry baby. What a weak child. 😪

Oh ya so why did I cry? (I'm probably gonna be talking about some other stuff then get back to why I cried again but I promise I won't okay 😅😇)

So, the first time... Oh wells, can't exactly remember why because that was like last month or a few months ago? Uhm, OH MY GOSH WAIT. I'm not even sure if what I remember now was the first time I cried this year because that's quite recent (now that I think of it!) It was just the beginning of this month! I can remember quite clearly because it was on the LEAD Saturday.. when Pastor Eddy Leo preached that Saturday.. OH MY GOSH. THEN I REMEMBER AGAIN THAT THAT'S NOT ACTUALLY THE FIRST TIME THIS YEAR. *mindblown* I remember now about my first time crying which was in front of Terry oh my gosh. Supah embarrassing. Crying in front of people is already embarrassing what more in front of a guy. 😳 Although he's not like any other guy, he's my team leader in church, but still. O' WHAT A WEAKLING I AM.

Okay so in conclusion, I cried thrice this year. Oh wells, should have known since they rhyme!

So yup, the second time I cried was the beginning of this month because I was stopped by my mom before I headed off to church again. I was really heartbroken when I sneakily invited her to church but she said even if I pay her to go to church she wouldn't. I really don't get why she stops me from going to church. It's really not like I'm committing a crime or whatever so. My brothers go to clubs, gamble, drink and do all sorta stuff but they seem to be free and easy, but me going to church is as if I'm committing a crime even more serious than what they do, which don't benefit themselves at all! Then she added on by saying that the reason why she got me a car wasn't for me to go to church but to go to work. And I was just like wert. I really tried my best to not break down in front of her, and thank God I didn't. I had to jokingly assure her that the speaker who was going to be speaking is from overseas so he's really really good and I really really wanted to go. Although that time in my mind I thought Pastor Peter Tan-Chi was gonna be speaking!)

Ironically, the reason why I cried for the first time was almost similar to the second time except this time round I was storying all these to Terry. He was also sharing his side of stories and 'encounters' he had with his parents.

Sometimes being able to just express them all out feels so good! But Terry was so scared that the people in the restaurant would think that he was bullying me HAHAHA! 😂

And nope, don't guess because the third time that I cried was totally unexpected and wasn't at all related to the previous two incidents. Even to myself, sigh, I didn't expect myself to cry as well, it was the most embarrassing moment EVER. I didn't tell anyone except Meng Kiat and Kat. I'm gonna be telling Michelle and Kyleen. OMG, what's with the Ms and Ks in my life?!

Anyways, I suddenly feel lazy to type them all out but I guess this was also the main reason why I wanted to blog so, let me try my best to explain ya. 😅

So, as you might not have known, I was the Vice President of KDU Christian Fellowship. So of course I had to be there for any event possible, including the CF camp that we wanted to have. So it was I guess, fine that we didn't know the procedures because we were all new to the paperwork needed to be done, etc. What happened was, we invited the speakers before we even informed the college about it. The speakers booked their flight tickets and we were quite set and were ready for camp but we had a lot of details to submit to the Student Alumni Centre (SAC). So yeah, we tried our best to meet all the needs that they required. They wanted the speakers' CVs, fine we got them for them; they wanted the details of the game, fine we spent our nights burning midnight oils coming out with the most complete proposals ever. But still proposals after proposals, our final proposal got rejected because the head of SAC wasn't happy with the details we provided. He wanted more, he wanted the speakers to provide "some" details of what they're about to speak in camp. He gave examples like Chapter what and which verses from the Bible etc. But I guess he didn't know exactly what he was asking? That's why in the end there was miscommunication saying that he actually DID NOT ask for details of what the speakers are gonna speak. And the speakers misunderstood that the head of SAC wanted exactly what they wanted to speak and admitted that it was really offensive to them to be providing what's confidential.

So in the end we had to look for other speakers because the head of SAC decided to not have the speakers come. And also had to write apology letters to the speakers etc. And admit that we jeopardised KDU's name. THEN WE WERE LIKE WHAT BECAUSE THE SPEAKERS ACTUALLY ALREADY BOOKED THE FLIGHT TICKETS. But I guess God really works wonders, although the speakers ended up not being to speak for us but they were then invited by the other church in Klang to share, at the same period of time that we initially booked them for! Praise the Lord, He really has greater plans! And although in the end the CF camp had to be cancelled/ postponed, Meng Kiat decided to go for the church camp instead!

So anyways, the reason why I cried. I also didn't exactly know why. But guess what, KDU CF did the same mistake again! -_- well, we weren't informed that an email was sent out by the President to YB Hannah Yeoh personally to invite her to come and speak in KDU CF. 😪 Even before this for the country manager of Adidas, the same thing happened so our club facilitator and the head of SAC were really really pissed. So I had to get some scoldings from them and they asked me why was I always the one taking the bullets. I guess that's true, but what to do. 😪 But I guess I was really touched when Meng Kiat asked me with concern of which why I didn't get him to go look for them with me, so then I wouldn't have to take all the bullets on my own. I guess I was really really thankful to have met him although he's like a few years older but it seemed to me that he really cared for the people around him. None of the other CF members know about what happened except him and he really understood and even sent me some quotes today to cheer me up. 😢 #morethangrateful

So yea THANK GOD though, I didn't break down in front of everyone in the SAC room, but I still can't believe that I broke down in front of my club facilitator and she offered me a hug and EVEN started to apologise. I felt extremely sorry you know, 'cause it was REALLY just me being all emotional but she thought it's her being rude to me. I guess I was just really down and questioned why I had to be the one taking all the bullets on my own when it wasn't my mistake. BUT YUP AGAIN, what to do, as a Vice President of the club, I had to.

Made me realise so much that taking responsibilities is really not just merely taking responsibilities, but it also means that I will have to get the scoldings and bear the bullets when my members ever make mistakes. This has to happen for the coming one year! O God bless me!

But I think that isn't the most worrisome part. I think what makes me worry the most is the response I should give when the SAC head reacts sarcastically again. Oh wells, his wife is a believer but he's not. So for example when we presented our camp proposals, he just had to say sarcastic statements like, should we open up the Bible and study the Bible before you guys present your proposals? Or statements like, you made a mistake, what do you want to do now? Continue praying? Or jokingly say that he would be coming to prayer meetings every week after I officially step up the President position, etc. You know what, honestly, I don't hate him. I'm just really really heartbroken whenever he says all those because although he claims to go to church every week with his wife, he clearly doesn't understand how much God loves him. Because O God, I know that they are so much blinded by the world, by the Prince of the air, and all these people, they will never ever understand Your GRACE if it's not You who open their eyes and hearts to see You. You are the Only One who is able to do so, and I'm oh so excited to witness him being transformed!

Posted by Bernice with love.♥
2 squid(s) - Leave a squid
Permalink

Title: Of responsibilities and ranting..?

Monday, May 4, 2015 || 2:41 AM

It's been so long, I've been living my life as if I never had a blog. Sorry dear blog since I only remember to share my pain with you, never joy. Or, idk. I only remember your existence when I need you? What's that called again? Not mutualism nor commensalism. Something starting with a P. Oh, right, just googled it, it's parasitism. Oh dearest blog I bet you're hurt.

What. I'm such a weirdo.

So I just decided to visit my blog and saw the cbox section. Whoaaaa.. Never knew there are people who still would read my blog. Some more Jing Jing told me she just read my blog like wert :P

Actually what I'm about to tell you is mind blowing haha. I just finished my final finals for foundation like last Thursday. Can you believe that? 'cause I certainly can't. And guess what? I'll be starting my degree on the 11th of May. 😏 *feels so old and blogger should totally update this blog post section or add an emoji section so I don't have to go online to copy paste* 😏😏

And I stumbled upon these emojis and they are just so wrong please - 👭👬 - what has the world become to ohmai.

Oh wells.

Anyways, not exactly starting though. I can't believe the government has set to require us to study 8 frigging MPU subjects. 😭 is life all about studying MPU subjects now or what? Sigh. So I will have 3 months of studying 3 out of 5 MPU subjects and then officially start degree in October (September intake) and kinda praying that God would provide me to go to UK to study for my 3rd year. Huhu, no one knows about this plan of mine, but I really wanna get away form this town for a little while oh oh~ (somehow be able to link to Taylor's Love Story bahahaha.🎵 Knowing that song itself reveals how old I am eh?)

Chey, actually I'm not that old. Haven't even reached my last teen year (not yet but soon and that's just sad but also truly thank God that I've experienced almost 19 years of life? and a few wonderful years to have known Him. Certainly the most amazing few years in my life. Life has never been so good.)

But yah. I already studied 3 MPU subjects okay the government is just cray lah. And MPU subject alone has like the most assignments which doesn't make sense at all weihs. Out of 12 months almost 11 months of time spent on MPU. That is just indeed the definition of nonsense.

Okay lah, maybe not that bad. I still was blessed enough to have met nice MPU lecturers and even got to interview a Member of Parliament and found out a lot more about politics which was kinda interesting.

Anyways lately I've been sleeping a lot YAY. Public holidays are the best 'cause I get to not go to work and sleep in and all I do is just to stay at home and eat and sleep and of course finally get to do whatever I want which I haven't had that opportunity to do so for a VERY VERY VERY VERY long time already. To say that "it's been awhile" is an understatement. Like 10 meter deep down under the sea and under the under sea kinda understatement man. Thank God for this time to just slow down (BUT WHY IS TIME PASSING SO FAST I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO CLASSES SO SOON ALTHOUGH I DO MISS MY CLASSMATES)

Oh and I'm really really really excited for the PD trip next weekend. Although I foresee that it will be a very awkward time for me. I'm still undecided whether to bring my guitar or ukulele (bringing guitar seems so show off-ish and attention seeking I think I will just go with ukulele) :/ BUT I ACTUALLY REALLY WANNA PLAY THE GUITAR BY THE SEA ONE DAY, that's like the dream, but at the same time I don't wanna attract attention. #dilemma

Oh wells, I think I had just decided what to bring already?

Oh krep, I just remembered I need to come out with prayer items?? Oh yup yup that's for the upcoming campus camp we will have in July kinda look forward to it since it will be about apologetics but the preparation process part is...... OHMAI I KINDA WANNA ESCAPE REALITY FOR AWHILE LAH. Sigh.

Why, responsibilities why? When you are responsible in something you just can't be irresponsible although you're so tempted to just put everything aside.

Oh, andd I really am not capable and too irresponsible to take up the president post (of CF) lah.. Although at the same time I also feel burdened to serve. I thought high school was the end of all my responsibilities but now it seems like high school was just the beginning of everything man.

And oh God, help me be a responsible person, a good daughter to my parents please. :/ Lately I've been feeling so like urgh screw everything and that's really really bad. :/ Really really need to come back to the feet of God and lay everything there including my terrible behaviours, ew. 😭😭😭😭 definitely can't do this if it's not with God.

Posted by Bernice with love.♥
0 squid(s) - Leave a squid
Permalink

Title: I wonder, love.

Friday, March 6, 2015 || 1:10 AM

So I was telling my friends that I will be posting about this topic soon. I think it's been one month that I said that and that it's been occasionally flashed on my mind just that I had no time to do this. Not that I have time right now but I'm just gonna spill everything out here. :)

P/s: just to update about my life and what I've been thinking about lately?

I don't know but I think I really lack of time every moment. Like sleeping is such a time consuming activity but I need that more than anyone else on this Earth (obviously not, but I'm just saying I really need sleep, like NEED.)

I guess lately I've developed a bad habit of being late. (other than procrastinating - which actually I don't really have time to even do so anymore) I don't think I've ever been early for any meeting that I have to attend to, or rather, any activity or even classes. I really need to get rid of such bad habit because it's really a very bad habit. -_- Every time I tell my friend that I'm coming at that time, I won't. LOL, why? because I always underestimate the time which I have to take to prepare myself. I feel frustrated with myself also.

Also, I always have things to do in my mind and want to do them but in the end forgetting about it so I only remember it the next day and sometimes it's too late to do them. :(

Anyways, getting back to the title (which currently is empty, actually), I wonder.

It seems like everyone around me HAS a partner, so it really is normal that I wonder about it right?

I sometimes really do wonder, how love feels like. (or perhaps, not what love feels like but how being in a relationship with a partner feels like?)
Honestly and obviously, I can't answer questions like: would you get jealous of her if he [fill in the blank].
But I guess thank God that all the other people are able to answer?
The usually-speak-out-my-perspectives me remain so quiet that even if a needle falls on the ground you would be able to hear it, hah. -direct translation from a Chinese proverb lol, too lazy to search for a proper phrase.
Whenever my girlfriends stick to their partners and abandon my presence and I'm just like: how I wish they don't exist, (as in their partners la - I know it's the cruelest thing to think about lol.) obviously that's just that sudden thought that I have in mind, but I would just shift my mind to wondering if I would do the same if I really do have a partner, at the same time wishing that I won't ever abandon my friends.
I wonder, if I would ever sacrifice myself for my loved one?
I wonder, if I would ever think of him day and night and all I remember about is whether he has eaten, whether he has enough sleep, when he's feeling all right?
I wonder, if I would ever be irrational when it comes to things that concern him?
Then I wonder, if I would ever fight or argue over the smallest things with him if I really love him that much?
Would I nag?
Would I be able to hold my urge to hug him when I see him?
Would he be the one I would want to marry?
Would he be the only person whom I can't live without?
I wonder who he is?

But after all these wonders, I come back to my senses, knowing that God is in control. And, I really really hope with the relationship that I will have with this particular important person in the future, God will be the centre of our relationship. I know there's no point to wonder, because it's not under my control anyways, but sometimes I just do wonder, and I'm just being transparent towards you guys, and girls of course.

I know how this few verses have been taken out of context, like to the maximum, but I really do believe that when the word love is replaced by "God", it warmths my heart like cray cray.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 New International Version (NIV)
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

All in all, I know that He's the one I can't live without, literally. In Him we have life, through Him we're saved and made righteous.

Posted by Bernice with love.♥
2 squid(s) - Leave a squid
Permalink