"look back & learn"

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To take BK or not.
I've been thinking of the same thing for the past few days, or for the past few hours.
I was really stressed out about myself being stressed out in the future.
I've 10 subjects to study now,
1. Biology
2. Physics
3. Chemistry
4. Mathematics
5. Additional Mathematics
6. History
7. Moral
8. English
9. Bahasa Malaysia
10. Chinese

And obviously, it'd be eleven if I take BK. Problem is, can I do it? I'm not as smart as you think I am. If you think I can, excuse me, when the genius Fiona is being stressed about taking those 2 subjects, what makes me think I can do it.

I reflected myself when Pn. Julie said, it's okay to take BK, if people say you're crazy to take BK, it's okay to be crazy, for God. But can I be crazy for God when I'm all stressed out about all the subjects above?

I know how I'm lacking the faith in myself, and also in God. I should trust God in everything. I know I should. But still, when I think of it. I'm really not smart enough to take 2 extra subjects. Furthermore, it's hard to get an A for BK because we're living in this Islamic country, which has a ridiculous rule that forces every Malay to be a Muslim. Not that I don't respect Muslims, but don't they have their freedom to choose? Being forced to be one doesn't mean one will be faithful to be what he needs to be. I might be caught for saying this, because who cares about democratic anymore, when you're forced to do/be something you don't like to do/be.

I know I sound ridiculous. I seriously wanna take BK, but everytime I think about it, I'll be all stressed out. Really. Taking BK is like taking a risk, for God. I want to risk for God, but am I qualified to risk for Him? I know it's not about getting an A, but I need to get scholarship. Need. I'm just feeling so helpless. True friends, where are you? To the person I've known and liked for so many years, WHERE ARE YOU WHEN I NEED YOU THE MOST? I might not be able to be with you when you need me, but aren't we best friends?! Okay I'm sorry, I'm just feeling so low.

I'm such a loner. I've almost no friends. I have none. #foreveralone.

Except God, Kyleen, Zoe, etc.