"look back & learn"

Title: Tears, stream

Thursday, June 18, 2015 || 10:32 PM

Okay so let me update you guys about mah life again kays.

I think I've cried twice this year, or more. Who knows? I kinda forgot already but okay the number of times isn't the main point. (somehow reminded me of the song Last Christmas, wert? 😮 - once bitten, twice shy, I keep my distance, but you still caught my eyes.. 🎤)

Okay okay so let's get back to the reasons that made me cry!
I think I should be setting one of the new year's resolutions to not cry! 😤 I'm already freaking 19 year old and I cried. What a cry baby. What a weak child. 😪

Oh ya so why did I cry? (I'm probably gonna be talking about some other stuff then get back to why I cried again but I promise I won't okay 😅😇)

So, the first time... Oh wells, can't exactly remember why because that was like last month or a few months ago? Uhm, OH MY GOSH WAIT. I'm not even sure if what I remember now was the first time I cried this year because that's quite recent (now that I think of it!) It was just the beginning of this month! I can remember quite clearly because it was on the LEAD Saturday.. when Pastor Eddy Leo preached that Saturday.. OH MY GOSH. THEN I REMEMBER AGAIN THAT THAT'S NOT ACTUALLY THE FIRST TIME THIS YEAR. *mindblown* I remember now about my first time crying which was in front of Terry oh my gosh. Supah embarrassing. Crying in front of people is already embarrassing what more in front of a guy. 😳 Although he's not like any other guy, he's my team leader in church, but still. O' WHAT A WEAKLING I AM.

Okay so in conclusion, I cried thrice this year. Oh wells, should have known since they rhyme!

So yup, the second time I cried was the beginning of this month because I was stopped by my mom before I headed off to church again. I was really heartbroken when I sneakily invited her to church but she said even if I pay her to go to church she wouldn't. I really don't get why she stops me from going to church. It's really not like I'm committing a crime or whatever so. My brothers go to clubs, gamble, drink and do all sorta stuff but they seem to be free and easy, but me going to church is as if I'm committing a crime even more serious than what they do, which don't benefit themselves at all! Then she added on by saying that the reason why she got me a car wasn't for me to go to church but to go to work. And I was just like wert. I really tried my best to not break down in front of her, and thank God I didn't. I had to jokingly assure her that the speaker who was going to be speaking is from overseas so he's really really good and I really really wanted to go. Although that time in my mind I thought Pastor Peter Tan-Chi was gonna be speaking!)

Ironically, the reason why I cried for the first time was almost similar to the second time except this time round I was storying all these to Terry. He was also sharing his side of stories and 'encounters' he had with his parents.

Sometimes being able to just express them all out feels so good! But Terry was so scared that the people in the restaurant would think that he was bullying me HAHAHA! 😂

And nope, don't guess because the third time that I cried was totally unexpected and wasn't at all related to the previous two incidents. Even to myself, sigh, I didn't expect myself to cry as well, it was the most embarrassing moment EVER. I didn't tell anyone except Meng Kiat and Kat. I'm gonna be telling Michelle and Kyleen. OMG, what's with the Ms and Ks in my life?!

Anyways, I suddenly feel lazy to type them all out but I guess this was also the main reason why I wanted to blog so, let me try my best to explain ya. 😅

So, as you might not have known, I was the Vice President of KDU Christian Fellowship. So of course I had to be there for any event possible, including the CF camp that we wanted to have. So it was I guess, fine that we didn't know the procedures because we were all new to the paperwork needed to be done, etc. What happened was, we invited the speakers before we even informed the college about it. The speakers booked their flight tickets and we were quite set and were ready for camp but we had a lot of details to submit to the Student Alumni Centre (SAC). So yeah, we tried our best to meet all the needs that they required. They wanted the speakers' CVs, fine we got them for them; they wanted the details of the game, fine we spent our nights burning midnight oils coming out with the most complete proposals ever. But still proposals after proposals, our final proposal got rejected because the head of SAC wasn't happy with the details we provided. He wanted more, he wanted the speakers to provide "some" details of what they're about to speak in camp. He gave examples like Chapter what and which verses from the Bible etc. But I guess he didn't know exactly what he was asking? That's why in the end there was miscommunication saying that he actually DID NOT ask for details of what the speakers are gonna speak. And the speakers misunderstood that the head of SAC wanted exactly what they wanted to speak and admitted that it was really offensive to them to be providing what's confidential.

So in the end we had to look for other speakers because the head of SAC decided to not have the speakers come. And also had to write apology letters to the speakers etc. And admit that we jeopardised KDU's name. THEN WE WERE LIKE WHAT BECAUSE THE SPEAKERS ACTUALLY ALREADY BOOKED THE FLIGHT TICKETS. But I guess God really works wonders, although the speakers ended up not being to speak for us but they were then invited by the other church in Klang to share, at the same period of time that we initially booked them for! Praise the Lord, He really has greater plans! And although in the end the CF camp had to be cancelled/ postponed, Meng Kiat decided to go for the church camp instead!

So anyways, the reason why I cried. I also didn't exactly know why. But guess what, KDU CF did the same mistake again! -_- well, we weren't informed that an email was sent out by the President to YB Hannah Yeoh personally to invite her to come and speak in KDU CF. 😪 Even before this for the country manager of Adidas, the same thing happened so our club facilitator and the head of SAC were really really pissed. So I had to get some scoldings from them and they asked me why was I always the one taking the bullets. I guess that's true, but what to do. 😪 But I guess I was really touched when Meng Kiat asked me with concern of which why I didn't get him to go look for them with me, so then I wouldn't have to take all the bullets on my own. I guess I was really really thankful to have met him although he's like a few years older but it seemed to me that he really cared for the people around him. None of the other CF members know about what happened except him and he really understood and even sent me some quotes today to cheer me up. 😢 #morethangrateful

So yea THANK GOD though, I didn't break down in front of everyone in the SAC room, but I still can't believe that I broke down in front of my club facilitator and she offered me a hug and EVEN started to apologise. I felt extremely sorry you know, 'cause it was REALLY just me being all emotional but she thought it's her being rude to me. I guess I was just really down and questioned why I had to be the one taking all the bullets on my own when it wasn't my mistake. BUT YUP AGAIN, what to do, as a Vice President of the club, I had to.

Made me realise so much that taking responsibilities is really not just merely taking responsibilities, but it also means that I will have to get the scoldings and bear the bullets when my members ever make mistakes. This has to happen for the coming one year! O God bless me!

But I think that isn't the most worrisome part. I think what makes me worry the most is the response I should give when the SAC head reacts sarcastically again. Oh wells, his wife is a believer but he's not. So for example when we presented our camp proposals, he just had to say sarcastic statements like, should we open up the Bible and study the Bible before you guys present your proposals? Or statements like, you made a mistake, what do you want to do now? Continue praying? Or jokingly say that he would be coming to prayer meetings every week after I officially step up the President position, etc. You know what, honestly, I don't hate him. I'm just really really heartbroken whenever he says all those because although he claims to go to church every week with his wife, he clearly doesn't understand how much God loves him. Because O God, I know that they are so much blinded by the world, by the Prince of the air, and all these people, they will never ever understand Your GRACE if it's not You who open their eyes and hearts to see You. You are the Only One who is able to do so, and I'm oh so excited to witness him being transformed!

Posted by Bernice with love.♥
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